Hail to the King, Baby
by chatnoir1
Summary: This is my take on events following Thor 2: The Dark World. Loki has what he wants, and he's unsatisfied and bored. There is a tense family reunion and some drinking of kava.


**Hail to the King, Baby**

**A.N.** Yeah, I've been absent for a while - real life can be a bitch. This is my personal take on the events following the end of Thor 2: The Dark World.

**Act One**

It was a noise, in place that should be quiet, that yanked Jane out of her dream and into the waking world. Damn. She stood and wobbled on her feet for a few precious seconds. No part of her was an early morning riser. Not her brain, not her body. She grabbed onto her bedroom door to steady herself and peeked out. Thor was in her kitchen. Doing stuff. Not good. She took a deep breath and made her way over to him. He turned away from the eggs he was cooking and gifted her with his usual dazzling smile.

"Good morning, Jane. I was making breakfast."

"I see." Jane stood on tiptoe and gave Thor a peck on the cheek. To her surprise, he responded. Not with a peck to her cheek or a chaste kiss to her hand, but with a genuine go for glory lip lock. Her eyes went big, she pulled back, then she slapped him. Hard. "Who are you?" she asked, as she slapped him again. She was going for a third time when long, slender fingers grabbed her wrist and she found herself looking into amused green eyes. "Loki?" Loki nodded.

"Hello again, Jane Foster."

Jane made a few unintelligible sounds before she rediscovered her ability for coherent speech. "But you're dead. I saw you die. Or did I?"

"Oh, you're quite right, I died." Loki placed the eggs on a plate and took a seat at the kitchen table. "I fully expected to find myself in Valhalla, since I died a heroic death, or perhaps Freyja's Hall, Sessrúmnir. Either way, I would have been bored to tears. But such was not to be my fate. I found myself in Hel, which was completely unfair, and so I threw a bit of a tantrum. Not that I did much damage, it is Hel after all. My daughter was most unhappy with me and kicked me out. So here I am."

"And you are here in my kitchen because..?"

Loki sighed and shrugged simultaneously. "I require my brother's assistance with a matter and I know he will show up here at some point. I'm also hungry. You wouldn't begrudge me this meager repast would you? After all, I did save your life, and Thor's."

"I suppose so." Jane grumbled to herself as she started the coffee. "I'm not sure how he will react when he thinks that you've tricked him again."

"Violently, I expect. It's his way, after all. It's of no matter, I can repair any damages to furnishings and such. But you might want to take a nice long walk, perhaps visit the closest Starbucks. Mjölnir cuts a rather wide swath when thrown, and doesn't distinguish friend from foe."

"Thanks for the warning. So what do you need to discuss with Thor?"

"I'd rather wait until he appears, as I do not wish to have to go through the tiresome details more than once." Loki poked at his eggs, added some pepper, sighed and began to eat his breakfast. "I'm not overly fond of eggs, but they'll do for now."

When the coffeemaker had completed its assigned task of converting ground beans into the elixir of the Gods, both Jane and Loki each poured a cuppa and sipped their respective cups in silence.

**Act Two**

Loki was on his third cup of coffee when Thor arrived. Loki wisely set his cup down, as Thor's expression changed from confused to enraged. Thor picked his brother up by the neck and shook him, then he tossed him across the room. Loki held his hands up in a placating manner, but Thor was not to be placated so easily. He pinned Loki to the wall with his left hand, holding Mjölnir in his right.

"Explain yourself brother."

Loki made a few gurgling noises in response. Jane, who had not taken Loki's advice and had stayed for the show, came to Loki's defense.

"He cannot answer you while you have a grip on his throat, Thor. Put him down and let him explain."

Thor dropped his brother, who massaged his throat. "My thanks, Jane Foster." Thor shook Mjölnir at him. "I didn't trick you Thor, well, not then anyway. I did die. I found myself in Hel."

"Hel? That's unfair. Father might not have let you into Valhalla, but Freyja has no quarrel with you at present."

"My thoughts exactly, though it turned out for the best. My daughter tossed me out, and I went back to Asgard. In disguise, of course. I was planning on reporting my death to Odin and then leaving, but like you, he's become better at seeing though my illusions and recognized me. That's when things became strange. He didn't reach for Gungnir, he didn't summon the guards, he didn't bellow - he just sat there silently, staring at me for a few minutes. Then he said he had a proposition for me. Things became even stranger. He wanted me to pretend to be him, so that he could disappear for a while and you could be with your precious Jane. So, that wasn't Odin you spoke with before you left, but me. I had expected you to call me out, the way I was sitting on the throne should have been a dead give away."

"True, you sit like a whore. I would have noticed, but my thoughts were with Jane. So you finally got your throne. Congratulations. You must be happy."

"You would think so, but no. I'm bored. Horribly bored. There aren't any conflicts or other serious matters to be seen to at present, apart from repairing the damage from Malekith's attack. Repairs mean engaging in business with Dwarves. If there is anything in the Nine Realms more boring than a Dwarf, I've yet to discover it. Odin didn't give me a timeline for when he would return. Heimdall, of course, is in on the charade, but he refused to assist me in locating Odin. So, I dusted off my scrying mirror and found the All-Father sitting on a beach in Fiji. I need you to accompany me and and help me to convince the old fool to return home."

"When we do find him, I would refrain from calling Father an old fool."

"Your father." Loki sighed. 'I really do not wish to discuss my complicated relationship with my adoptive father at present. Will you or will you not accompany me?"

"Aye. Teleportation or Mjölnir?"

"Air Hammer. I will need my energy."

"Let us depart then." Thor gave Jane a kiss that was far too quick for her liking, then he and Loki left.

**Act Three**

Odin, All-Father, King of Asgard, Wanderer, Chooser of the Slain and many other titles, some flattering, some not, sat in a cabana, admiring the beauty of the Pacific ocean, sipping his kava. He knew his peace and quiet would soon be spoiled by the arrival of his sons. He filled two coconut shells with the kava grog and set them aside.

Thor landed gracefully, Loki less so. He spat out a mouth full of sand and glared at his brother. "I believe you dropped me on purpose, as you did that time on Midgard."

"I know not what you mean, brother."

Loki stood and brushed sand from his clothes. Yes, he could just magic it away, but it wasn't worth the effort. He glared once more at Thor, then at his adoptive father.

"E dua na bilo, try a cup." Odin gave Loki one of the coconut shells, which contained a muddy-colored liquid, then did the same for Thor. "It is very soothing."

Loki gave the concoction a dubious look, then took a sip. "A bit peppery for my taste, and it numbs my tongue."

Thor tasted his cup, made a face, and set it aside. "I care not for it. Though if it numbs Loki's tongue, it can't be all bad."

"I've grown to like it. I think it would be a useful tool in negotiations with the less pleasant races. It's non-alcoholic, so you keep your mental clarity, you just become more relaxed and social."

"Like the Midgardian drug ecstasy, then."

"I wouldn't know."

Loki took another sip of the grog. This time it seemed less unpleasant. Damn. He did not want to become agreeable. "I suppose you know why I'm here."

"Of course. I am the All-Father after all. You wish to renegotiate our agreement. My answer is no. You will continue to assume my identity until I return."

"But I'm bored. On top of that, I've had to negotiate with Dwarves."

"That may be, but I am pleased with how you have fulfilled your duties thus far, and I have a gift for you." Odin gave Loki a brown paper wrapped parcel. "I have one for Thor as well."

Loki opened the parcel and frowned at the book in his hand, "How to Rule a Kingdom for Dummies", by Odin Borson. "Is this a joke?"

Thor opened his parcel to find the same book inside. He stared down at it in confusion. "I do not understand."

"Of course you don't." Odin sighed. "No it is not a joke. I believe you will find it useful. It is my plan to have the two of you co-rule. Of course, I will have to do some reputation repair in your case, Loki. I have hired a Midgardian 'spin doctor', I believe they are called, to assist in this. By the time he is finished, the Nine Realms will be calling you, if not a hero, at least not a villain."

"Co-rule?" Both brothers said at once, one in horror, the other in hope.

"I believe that is what I said. Alone, you would eventually succumb to your weaknesses, boredom in your case Loki, and morose pining for your human in your case, Thor."

"Co-rule." Loki repeated. He wanted to make sure of this.

"Yes. It seems the best solution at this point."

"In what universe is this logical? I'm clever and intelligent, and when needs be, diplomatic. Thor is, well, overly muscular and good at smashing things."

"That is true.." Odin began.

"I'm right here. You can see me, can you not?" Thor began to feel a bit disgruntled and left out of the conversation.

Loki and Odin sighed as one. "Yes, Thor, we see you. Drink your kava."

Thor frowned, took another sip of the drink, and decided he'd rather drink Troll piss.

"The matter is not up for discussion. You will co-rule. The books I have given to you should answer any questions you might have, but I will be available for a short period, for advice. For a nominal consultant fee, of course."

"Nominal consultant fee?" Loki looked down at his drink and frowned. He couldn't work up any righteous indignation, which was troublesome. "Fine. You will do as you will, as you have always done."

"Yes, we two are alike in that way." Odin refilled his bowl.

"I try not to think about such things."

"I have noticed. Denial, I believe it's called here on Midgard. I would prefer that you would return to Asgard immediately. The Dwarves, it appears, are not happy with the fee paid them for their work, and have occupied the Great Hall." Odin took a long drink of his kava. "We have finished our business here."

Loki started to respond, he had the perfect scathing reply ready, but it slipped away. He could only manage a small sound, at which Odin cocked an eyebrow. Damn. He tried again, with little success. "This concoction is pure evil."

"Perhaps it's the kava, or perhaps your silver tongue has begun to tarnish."

"Unlikely. Very well, I will return to Asgard."

Loki vanished, leaving Thor alone with his father. "I will take my leave as well. Thank you for the gift and your wise counsel."

As Thor vanished into the late afternoon sky, a woman joined Odin in the cabana. "That went better than expected." She made herself comfortable. "I hope this subterfuge plays itself out as you planned. They are going to be furious with us both, you know. When are you going to tell them?"

Odin smiled. "All in good time, my dear Frigga, all in good time."

**A.N.** Yep, in my universe, Frigga's death was staged, as was the funeral.


End file.
